I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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