i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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