Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
