she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We have started to decorate penises.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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