so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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