I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
