Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
