i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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