Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
