i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
