I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
