did you get engaged???
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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