its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My life is pants optional.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
