I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
