You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
