Will you blow on my dice?
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
