I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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