He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
