He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
