My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
