do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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