Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
