No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
