??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
that may or may not have been my penis.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize