I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
