i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
