i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
