I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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