I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Please don't give away my fajitas
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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