All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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