We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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