I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
