I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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