My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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