he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
