Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
