I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
