Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
When are your genitals available?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
