the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
my sisters under your porch take her home
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
