we have pet lesbian snakes
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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