cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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