It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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