All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
