I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
