I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
