Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
