I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
