If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize