My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
