i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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