there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
