where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
