Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
