Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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