I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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