Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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