I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
