In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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