Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
