just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
we're making bets on your personal life
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
