Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
