I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
