is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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