This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
