Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
