I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
