I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
