i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
