Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
