Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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