break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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