no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize