I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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